As far back as I can remember, I have had a plan and a road map to where I think I needed to go in life. Whether it was planning for college, the job I would take after college, the perfect career, the house I would buy, the car, the perfect wedding and the perfect plan for a family…you name it, I had a plan, or as I came to learn, I thought I had a plan…
It was somewhere in the Summer of 1999 that I stared to notice that my plans weren’t always God’s plans. I had just separated from my husband, and I might add, left with all the debt we incurred our marriage. The divorce was pending and I was scared and worried that I wouldn’t be able to pay the debts, afford an apartment, afford a car – even eat! I remember vividly crying on the couch not wanting to ask for help, but as my sobs slowed I looked up to the ceiling and said, “Okay God, I am going to trust in you to carry me through this tough time.” The following weeks, I continued to focus on my job and worked hard to earn a promotion. I spent hours working and dealing with creditors asking for more time to work out the debts. I learned a lot during this time about expenses and how to survive with less than my earlier plans had envisioned. Suddenly, I was offered a promotion and a chance at a fresh start to move to San Diego with my company.
By the end of 1999, my divorce was final, I was living in San Diego and I was really starting to make a dent on the debt. I remember taking such a deep breath after reviewing my bills one night, and although I still had a ways to go, for the first time I realized it was going to be possible. An over whelming feeling of being thankful came over me and I reached for the yellow pages and found Saint Paul’s Cathedral. I started going on Sunday’s and found my quiet little pew on the far right. The music was so soothing and the service brought me so much peace. I kept to myself, didn’t get particularly active in the church, spending the majority of my free time at work.
Just as I was beginning to feel things were coming together and I started planning again – planning on finishing that debt, getting another promotion, looking at condos – my father died. Suddenly everything was turned upside down again. My father and I were very close and we talked about my career path, business and life regularly, so this was a major blow. I began to feel very lost. And once again, I found myself talking more frequently with God. I had a lot of questions, and asked them frequently, but was I listening for answers?
Fast forward to 2003, I am still on the career path and working towards a new promotion. I had paid off the debt, and now I was planning to buy a condo. The promotion happened, the condo happened and now I was left with trying to come up with another plan. I started to really watch my expenses and focused on trying to put money away for retirement. I started to enjoy charity work, volunteering and helping people. I was still struggling with where I was in my life, what I wanted out of it, and working very long hours. I continued to live by my new found principle about controlling expenses. This principle was to ask myself a question before I bought anything, “Do you just want this, or do you really need this?” The simple little question made it much easier to say “NO” when it was a want vs. a need. I found ways to save by having money taken directly out of my check for the 401K program, stock purchase and money to be placed into a savings account. Since I didn’t have children, I wanted to be sure that I could afford medical care for my pets. I created what I call my “kitty fund” and would put money into short term CD’s that I would roll over into new ones when the percentage went up.
Three years passed and I was up for a new promotion. For some reason, I struggled with whether this was what I really wanted to do but I don’t remember talking to God. I took the promotion and suddenly life became more difficult. I found myself challenged, which I enjoyed, but I found that suddenly things I enjoyed doing were now in competition with my work. My volunteering at the church and with animal rescue groups started to become a thing of the past. I wasn’t talking to God and instead, found myself doing a lot of complaining. As time passed my family and I went through the loss of six family members. Yes six. It was then I really started to take inventory of my life and what I was doing. What did I want out of life? What was my plan now? I started to go to church more frequently and I really started to talk to God again. Then a funny question came out of my mouth…..
“What is your plan for me God?”
My next question quickly became: “Do I have the courage to find out?” I started to take walks and go for swims to exercise. I started to realize that my values had changed and there may be a better plan for me than to just work. During my walks, a question popped in my head…..” What would make you happy?” The answer came quickly, I wanted to help people, I wanted to be able to volunteer, to make a difference. The next question came, “So what is preventing you from doing that?” So, I sat down and worked on the list. After contemplating the pro’s and the con’s, I realized that the only thing in the way was me. That is, my not wanting to change, to leave my comfort zone, to give up some of my control and so on. I truly believe that God was speaking to me to make a change. I just needed to follow that lead.
Over the next year, I did what I always do. I started planning. Only this time, rather than planning for the next house, next car or the next promotion, I started to really plan my exit strategy from my job. I stepped up the savings plan by figuring out what I really needed to live on. I refinanced my home down to a 15 year with a very low interest rate. I paid off my car and started to live on a very modest income. I planned out my expenses to include my tithe to Saint Paul’s and figured out how many years I wanted to be able to take off from work. Then I made the big jump, and retired from my job. Now mind you, I am 44 years old and I am not permanently retired. I put a plan together to go back to school and find the job that will let me do what is important to me. Yes I am still planning, though now I would like to think they are little more aligned with a plan that’s bigger than just me…
So there it is, I think many times I may have been talking to God, and he may have been carrying me in tough times. But I don’t think I was really listening to God…..all I can say…when you really start to……amazing things can happen. My new journey started May 28th, so far it is great….I am in Playa Del Carmen Mexico and I start school on June 22nd!!
Lisa Crosbie
