No, my break through would come years later as the result of a “break up” – that is, over this past summer when after 10 years together, Brad and I ended our relationship. As many of you know from your own experience, ending a long term relationship, even if it’s the right decision, is pretty darn terrible – for both people involved.
Our current forum series is dealing with the “story we tell ourselves about ourselves” well the story I was telling myself at the time was that I was a failure. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it – I felt ashamed, afraid, I was in denial– this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. My world was coming apart and no one knew it. I carried those feeling with me for more than a month, before I finally had my first break through.
One Saturday morning I stopped by the cathedral to pick up a few things and found myself drawn to the healing station over here, to say a prayer I guess, I didn’t really know, but I lit a candle and knelt down, and began to sob uncontrollably – as if all the grief that I had bottled up, came out like a flood….(no docent thank goodness or they would have called 911) when words finally came to my mouth, all I could say was, “God, I am lost, help me find the way…” It was in that moment that I had my first break through: for the first time in my life, I found myself fully, and wholly relying on God.
I know many of you have gone through or are perhaps currently going through similarly difficult times, be it from a divorce, a death, the loss of a job or a home, last week Christie talked about her battles with cancer… basically it’s those moments in life when everything you thought you knew, everything thought you could rely on is gone – or at least up for grabs. It’s truly an experience that forever changes you – and your relationship with God.
Later that night in a conversation with Albert Ogle, I finally cracked, and again, it all came flooding out. And Albert said to me words that I will never forget… he said “Chris for these past 10 years you guys have held each other…now it’s our turn…sometimes the community holds you…”
I didn’t realize it at the time, but Albert was playing the role of prophet, and, that my prayer from earlier that morning, had just been answered.
But before that could happen, I had to have my second break through: And that was to let go of my ego, to let go of my pride, my perfectionism, and to open up and talk to people about what I was going through. To reach out and to trust–I’m someone who feels a little like Facebook sometimes – I have a broad network of friends, but few deep relationships — So it was scary. But I took the risk and it was the most healing thing I could have done. And when I did, rather than judge, you shared your tears, you shared your own stories – and my do you all have some stories! — you opened your homes, you invited us to dinner…shared a glass of wine…. or two. I got calls from people I hardly knew saying they were praying for me, Brad got round the clock emails and txts from people, just checking in, a care package filled with little goodies was left on my door…you invited Brad jogging, and you took me for long walks on the beach. In short, you indeed…held…us.
And in those conversations, in those moments, something happened. Something began to change. As we shared our stories and our woundedness, things started to open up in new ways. Folks that I had been friendly with, became like family, and as we shared our stories, we learned from each other, and we grew, and slowly, the story I was telling myself began to change: That I wasn’t alone, that I was OK, and that I would be OK.
The experience has taught Brad and me both, that despite the hard times, the seemingly impossible times, God is there, and God will indeed show us the way – and for me, the way was in allowing you the community to hold me, to hold us.
If you have not yet had such an experience, please hear me when I say, don’t wait for the hard times, don’t wait for life’s worst challenges. This community of St. Paul’s has so much love to give. If we can only open ourselves up enough to receive it. To let go of our pride, our protections our fears ..to break through those things that hold us back…to open ourselves up…and to just…ask…
As we ponder our two questions, why do I love St. Paul’s, I hope my answer is crystal clear: I love St Paul’s because of the community of love that is here. It is truly a glimpse of heaven. And I thank you. We both thank you. In case you’re wondering, we are both doing great, excited about the next chapter in our lives and we are thankful to both continue to call St. Paul’s our spiritual home. You blessed us our life together and now you continue to bless us in our life apart.
As to the second question: Why do I choose to be generous? How could I not? How could WE not?
